Metamorphosis

I was a cog in the wheel,
a chain in the machine,
which ran smoothly -
well greased and perfectly timed.

The monotony of function
and form grew old,
tired,

I broke

into tiny shards of glass
that cut and bled.

You've taken me from castles to brothels,
where the streets have no name...
to the quiet and stillness
of solitude

and silence.

I've seen the prince
and the starving child
where bombs grew silently
and greed engulfed pavement.

This place is cold,
I feel worn by those walls...
you drained the life from the veins
and ate the days of youth.

My soul is unfolding
in the shadows,
gasping for breath,
amidst your ashes.

The shore is calling,
with gentle waves alive with hope
sliding quietly
into dreams of desire...

I'm being reborn into the sea,
churned in the depths,
In a metamorphosis
of the soul.

Waiting,
wanting,
my feet feel the moist sand

enfolding...

Sustainable Gardening

God has always spoken to me in unusual ways - through pictures, songs, art, dreams, etc. In fact, it has been only the rare exception for me to read a scripture and feel him speaking directly to me through it. Since I've left the IC I hear him speak to me more through scripture than ever before ironically! This has been another one of those unexpected surprises, a bonus if you would, of leaving the IC. The other day he spoke to me though a vision which hasn't happened in quite a while.

The other day I was thinking about my journey, where I've come from, where I'm going, etc. I wasn't even in deep intercession or prayer...just meditating on life. I saw a picture in my mind of a group of people partying outside. They seemed carefree and happy - dancing, drinking, laughing. Then I saw a fence and on the other side of the fence there was a large garden. There were people working hard tending the garden. They were digging, planting and watering. Then I saw something I didn't expect. I saw a few people from the "party" side along the fence reaching under it and picking some of the crop. I felt God saying to me that the party side was the IC - the people who were part of the religious system. Those in the garden were the people who had left - you could call them "organic" church. The people picking the plants along the fence line are those who are trying out and tasting the fruit of the organic church. I felt like God impressed on me that those of us who have left are in the process of investing, working, and tending the work of God.

Gardening is hard work. It can take years to get a garden fully functional. I know this because my husband is a serious gardener. Since we bought our house a year ago he's been turning our back yard into an amazing vegetable garden. I've been astounded at all of the work that goes into growing a garden. He starts with compost - lots and lots of it. He adds horse poo to the compost. It took me a while to get used to this step. It's messy and well, it stinks...a lot! But, it is essential to a really to a really rocking garden. Then he had to built raised beds for the veggies because our soil is composed of sandy rocky dirt which isn't really conducive to gardening, at all. He then put the composted soil along with other very dark organic soil into the raised beds. Meanwhile he had been growing the veggie starts from seeds. This took a lot of care because we've had a few freezing nights this spring. He lost all of our tomatoes once and had to start over from scratch with them. He finally planted the starts in the soil. Since they took root it's been pretty easy to keep them healthy, except for the occasional cat who decides the raised beds are a perfect litter box, or the pests who like the green leaves. Our goal is to have all of our veggies growing in the garden - to have a sustainable garden. My husband tells me it will take about three years for this to be possible. Yeah, gardening is hard work.

It would be so much easier to be enjoying the party over the fence, wouldn't it? But what happens when the famine comes? What resources are these people going to have to survive on? I felt like God was showing me that those of us who are working the soil are investing in something that may take a while to see fully. What we're investing in will be long lasting and sustainable.

What is God showing you through this? I would love to hear...

Like Poop Through A Goose

I guess you could say that my spiritual journey in the church has been far from ordinary. When I look back at some of the people God has brought into my life at key moments I am astounded. These are people who have radically shaped charismatic movements in the church's history. Interestingly, some of them have been the most unlikely characters. God seems to pick people like this to confound man's wisdom. Many have asked why God would use them for such great things; if the church were to choose great leaders they would not have been on the list. One of these people is Lonnie Frisbee. He was a wild hippie kid off of the streets of southern California who had a radical salvation experience and ended up in the forefront of the Holy Spirit's move in Calvary Chapel. When Lonnie showed up the miraculous happened - the Holy Spirit moved on people with such incredible manifestations as hadn't been seen since the early part of the century most likely. Lonnie was discipled under Kathryn Khulman and became the poster child for the Jesus movement. He even graced the cover of Life magazine.

But there was another side to Lonnie....a side that would leave a permanent smudge on his legacy. He would party on Saturday then show up Sunday and minister in the church. Then it was revealed that he had one foot in the gay lifestyle. I've read many sides to the story, and what I've assessed is that the church leaders of the time needed Lonnie regardless of his short comings. When he said, "Come Holy Spirit" all heaven broke loose. He was the show stopper, and for the show to go on he was a necessary commodity. Ultimately the church leaders curtailed Lonnie's involvement in the church. He was never able to rid himself of his demons and ultimately died of AIDS. In one book called "The History of the Vineyard Movement" Lonnie's story is relegated to a few pages in the appendix.

I met Lonnie at my church when I was in high school. Up until this time my church life was ordinary. When he showed up one of the things he said was, "The holy spirit is going to move through you like poop through a goose!", and indeed he was right. The manifestations that ensued ranged from people being thrown through the air and shaking like a thousand volts of electricity was pulsing through them to a person who sat frozen like a stone for hours while God spoke to her. No one could deny that God was present.

Lonnie took a ministry team to South Africa shortly after he ministered to our church and I was going to part of another team following. My passport was stamped and I was prepared to go, but it was around that time that Lonnie's ministry was coming to an end. I look back and wish that trip would have happened....The last time I saw him was in Kauai at a worship conference about three years later. He looked tired and worn - a shadow of his former self. I remember sharing with him what God was doing in my life and he replied to me, "It's a legacy." At the time I didn't realize how completely accurate and prophetic that statement was. I'm extremely proud to call Lonnie one of my spiritual fathers. Although I knew him only briefly his life and ministry had a profound impact on me. He showed me that God loves to use the nobodys and outcasts of this world to do the greatest exploits.

If you're listening Lonnie - thanks for rocking my world.

Identity: Ground Zero

So it's very late but I have some thoughts that need to hit the key board before they fly away into the night. I was flipping through the channels tonight and stumbled upon some sort of a random university channel. A professor of psychology was discussing the sociology and psychology of religion and its effects on identity. According to research and studies religion creates a strong sense of identity, community and "safety" for people. Those who are involved in a religious circle are far less prone to depression and health issues. Church and religion form a sort of mental safety net for people in which their identity is so deeply rooted that the dependence on them can lift and alter psychiatric problems, addiction, etc. The conclusion one might make in regards to these studies could be that in our religious communities we depend on God through one another, but I beg to differ and here's why. The study didn't include any Christians who were outside of the religious system. What happens if you take people out of these systems and leave them to rely solely on God? I would love to see a study conducted on Christians who leave the system and find out what happens to their identity at that point. I think that far more of our identity is enmeshed within our social circles that we would be willing to admit.

I began to analyze this fact and have been realizing that as a Christian my identity became extremely wrapped up in the church and my social network within the church. This is shocking to me because I have never been one to "go with the flow" and I pride myself on being an individualist....but I'm seeing that somehow, somewhere I traded in my identity for one that is not my own. The absolutely insane part of this whole thing is that we're bombarded with messages in the church about having our identity, "rooted and grounded" in Christ, but when it comes down to it the system simply will not allow us to do this! The unspoken rules of the Christian sub culture dominate. Our dependence is fully on one another for what to think, how to think, what questions to ask, and when where what and how we do everything - that we have bought into a herd mentality.

I'm going to change the channel now, (literally.) I flip the channel to watch one of my favorite shows of all time - Project Runway. For those of you who don't know I love to sew and design, and I adore watching design shows. The finale is on tonight, and three designers are competing for first place. They each have designed a clothing collection which will be shown at Bryant Park - one of the biggest fashion shows in the country. Although they all have a successful show only one person is chosen to be winner. The winner has not only had a successful eye catching show, but he pushes the envelope with his design and takes it up a notch. His line has matured and his designs are creative and innovative, (and incredible, I would wear any one of them in a heart beat!) The other designers collections are amazing as well, beautiful and well done - but they lack new inspiration and growth in the design. By taking his designs to "a new level" the designers clothes became distinct and individual. The winner said, "I'm a risk taker, I feel you have to push the envelope all the time, otherwise you're going to blend in." My identity is in the process of unraveling; the knots and tangles of religion are being slowly sorted out. I want to be able to go to Bryant Park someday and win...but for now I find myself pulling apart the knots one at a time...

From the Outside Looking In

Since I've walked away from the church I'm beginning to see many aspects about the church culture I couldn't see while inside. For years I've heard the term "Christian sub-culture", and I knew there were things about us that were a bit odd...no, strange, but the reality of it didn't really come into full view until I was out. I think being inside the cocoon of religion keeps you from seeing how we really look to others outside...there is no way to see how we appear to the outside world until you're out.

One of the most obvious and disturbing things I see is that the friendships I had within the church were rooted solely in the church culture. Now that I've left I find that most of the friends I did have weren't really friends after all. Our friendship was completely dependent on the church setting. Although I have many other things in common with these people besides church they're not enough to keep the friendships going. I tried to keep connected with people, but what I realized was that I was putting out all of the energy to keep the friendships alive. It just wasn't worth the energy - it made me exhausted and frustrated. I battled with constant feelings of rejection. Friendships consist of a give and take, and I felt tired of being the one dragging along a one sided relationship.

I'm learning that there are huge risks associated with leaving, and one of them is loneliness. The church provided a social setting for me that I felt comfortable in. There was always a Bible study, small group, invitations to the church only elite potlucks and parties. Leaving it meant leaving all of that behind. The hardest part of it is I realize that those friendships I had within the church weren't built on the foundation of Jesus' love. They were social friendships much like the cliques in high school. When you leave you fly off the radar - you simply cease to exist.

Now I find myself asking this question: Who is my social Christian circle? Answer: I don't have one. I have a few Christian friends who are like minded; people who I know I'll be friends with for a very long time. People who are very out of the box non-religious folks. I can say crazy off the wall things to them and they don't cock their head to one side and say, "Yeah, uh huh..." or give me the deer in the headlights look. I have a few friends, (I can count them on one hand), who are still part of the system. Sometimes I wonder why they put forth effort to remain friends with me...but I'm glad they do.

Then I have friends who are not part the church. I refuse to call them non-Christians - that just sounds demeaning honestly, doesn't it? The Non people from the country of Non....come on, really? I used to see these people as a conquest, but now I see them as friends and I love being with them. They show me aspects of life that I've never seen before...and the really amazing thing is that they didn't give me the time of day until I was out of the system. I don't blame them one bit. I used to be scared of them, ...no, terrified! It was as if they had a lethal disease I could catch. Their sin was contagious. But now I'm seeing that I'm just as much a part of humanity as they are. They're God's people too, and I feel honored that they give me the time of day. I see in them a part of life, beauty, and even God that was obscured from me within the church walls. They have been one of the delightful unexpected surprises waiting for me to discover along my journey and I feel as though I have only just scratched the surface of who they are.

Welcome!

Welcome to the Freedom Chronicles! My name is April. Here you will find the ramblings, thoughts, reflections and (hopefully) insights of a person trying to follow Jesus outside of the walls of organized religion. My journey has been a long one full of twists and turns I would have never imagined but one of great adventure and promise as well. If someone had told me 20 years ago I would leave the church I would have laughed loudly in their face...it seems God has a way of taking us down the most unexpected of roads, doesn't it? The things in life which seem the most sure are bound to change and then some. These changes have brought me to a place of standing in wonder and amazement of who God is. Everything I learned about church has been thrown out the window and I've been launched into the process of rediscovery. So, please sit back and relax. Pull up a chair, (and put on your 3D glasses if you wish), and enjoy the movie of my life.